My father in law passed in November and my father passed March 2006. But it is this June month that makes me look back. It is this June that i start listening to a CD my brother compiled. It is this month that makes me think that as we grow up and grow older, it is sometimes what and who we have lost that defines us. It is this month that i value the gifts i have, the lights that will guide me home - my family and my circle of friends.
It is this month that i think of my friend, Anand.
These words strike me - (Mad World by Gary Jules)
Their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
Hide my head, i wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, No tomorrow
I find it kind of funny, i find it kinda of sad,
The dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, i find it hard to take
People running in circles its a very, very
Mad world, Mad world
These verses are part of the first song in the Anand CD. As i listen to the song, i marvel at my brother's choice as the song sings of being lost and angry and the song flows with deep sadness. As i listen, i keep asking myself, have i felt that lost, that angry or have i felt such sadness fill me. I can never answer myself. There were times when i think i did, realising for the first time that i had to face failure. Failure that my abilities and aptitude was not enough to coast through life. Failure that i nearly did not make it through university. So when i listen to this song, i try to imagine those feelings again and i can never feel it again.
What i feel is blessed and what i remember is the bonds that were strengthened in that 2006. We, my circle of friends, have formed bonds from our losses. In that June 2006, we came together and we supported, we laughed, we cried but through it all we cared. Thats what i remember. I remember my wife standing by me and supporting me and i remember my friends and i remember my daughter sitting in my lap as we spoke of our friend who had made his sad choice. I remember the lights in my life.
As the sadness of Mad World finishes, the second song sings of these lights. Again, my brother had chosen well. These are some of the words -
Fix You - Coldplay
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
This second song goes loud and rifts with hope and i am struck by how lucky i am to have my lights, my family and my circle of friends.
So this is my toast - In Memoriam
the first time we saw loss,
we sat as a group as our friends, brothers
stood straight and strong for the many
and remembered their mother
the second time,
we stood with the brothers
as their father passed
the next was my father,
and we had the support needed
then, Anand
and that we formed bonds
strong and filled with laughter
then another mother
in that same year
and then a father,
i considered mine as well
and now a father, a new grandfather
to all those we lost and miss, hear our cries soft but hear our laughter LOUD
