Asthmatic Clarity

The last few weeks have been the most stressed periods i have ever faced. My job is both taxing and exciting. Its not a job where you can shut off. As i shower, or ride a taxi or MRT, i am continuosly thinking...what can go wrong...what do i need to do to manage the risk i take on for the bank. Office hours have been hectic and relentless due to market volatility and the shutting of liquidity. As such i used to come in Saturdays for a few hours as well. It has been a great learning curve BUT it drained me.

At the same time, the bank faced bankruptcy at one point. We seemed to have past that corner but we have a long way to go. In the first week of December, the bank will lay off 15% of its staff. I am safe this round. My job continues to grow and my skill set over this last year has been strengthened considerably. BUT, there is no certainty in any job especially in the financial sector.
This year alone i helped my unit make EUR21m (MYR100m). I am very proud of this and in any normal year, my bonus would have given Yaso and me great freedom. But now i am happy to just to keep my job.

I was stressed and drained and felt so dissaponted at the situation. We also need to move house by end this year and we were so looking forward to moving to a bigger place. I worried about doing this in case i lost my job and i worried about whether i could afford Ilyana and Sahana's school fees. Their school fees combines will average 40k sgd a year. I worried about everything and i stopped enjoying work and my energy levels were low even with the girls.

Then two weeks ago i got a viral fever which led to the worst asthma attack of my life. On wednesday i left work as i was breathless and that night i was wheezing badly with bouts of high fever every 4 hours. On thursday i went to see Ajit and for the first time i was given steroid pills. I will never forget that night. I had fever every four hours and i was breathless and wheezing and could not sleep. Usually when i have an attack, sleep is easy as i am so tired just labouring to breathe. But that night, sleep never came. I thought of dad and the pain he went through. I thought of mum and how she was coping now. I thought of Uncle Chandran and Aunty shobana and how they helped. I remembered Aunty Shobana's call and what she told me. But most of all i thought about Yaso and the girls and how lucky i was.

Typical Dev drama - overthinking and overanalysing.

By saturday the steroids were kicking in and i was feeling great. I took Sahana out for a walk in her stroller and as i walked, i realised i had stop worrying. The asthma gave me clarity. Life is messy and there are setbacks but its all worth it when you get the time and choice to enjoy the simple pleasures. I never understood dad and how he always believed "Everything will work out". But now when i think about it dad had it right. Enjoying time with friends. Spending time with his kids. Being proud of us and extending himself and mum to give us the best education he could. Everything did work out.

So now i still have a hectic day and i still go in Saturdays but i also am happy and energised. And today was a good day.

Yaso and i have have put away money for the girls fees already with 2009 and 2010 covered. We are in austerity drive mode and are saving aggressively each month to get at least 1yr of our expenses covered.

We have also made the decision that we are still gonna move to the bigger place and we are gonna enjoy it.

Hell..life is short and EVERYTHING will work out.