My angel, the roar and losing my mojo

I have been asking myself recently why i cant write or find the spark to write. And when i am honest with myself, i realise that this lack of spark is at work, at home and i am coasting. I hate coasting.

This is effecting how i am interacting with the relationships around me. I am not functioning optimally.

At work, i can do the little but seems sufficient to perform at what is expected of me by my peers and bosses. That does not say much about my bosses that i can coast and still be seen to be performing. I expect more from myself and for the last few weeks or months, i have been drained and slow.

At home, i think i am ok but i realise that i lack patience or the energy to be proactive.

Losing my mojo can be seen at my lack of energy at home, the slow pace i function at home and in my health. Again, i have hit my highs in terms of weight and have yet to take the steps to correct my health, work and home/family matters.

I was lost and coasting.

But yesterday evening, again, my angel has showed me the way. Ilyana's swim teacher has decided to certify all her students. Ilyana had to undergo a swim test and she was very anxious the night before but Yaso told her clearly what she needed to do. And in the morning, Ilyana met with her teacher so she could give her one last lesson on what would be required. Ilyana needed details and a plan and direction on what was expected of her and then she was ready to deal with it. She learnt Planning.

At 6pm, i went to the pool and Ilyana was ready for her swim. Lines were crossed and Ilyana was to have her test at 5pm but we were informed 6pm so she had to do her test with others who were doing the Level 5 assessment while Ilyana was still at Level 4.

She started off with 2 laps (50m) of free style, then 1 lap of butterfly and then 1 lap of backstroke, 25m of dolphin. She looked so tired but she did it all. She paced herself so well. I knew she was tired as on her backstroke, she could not keep her lane and moved from lane 1 to lane 6. She did not stop. She kept on. She was Persistent.

Then there was the pajama test and we realised that we did not bring her pajamas down. We did not Plan well. We ran up to the apartment to get her pajamas but what we rushed to bring was too big and it kept falling off. She had to first wade with her hand above the water at the deep side of the pool (12 - 14ft). The poor girl had to keep one hand above the water and with the other, she held the falling pants up. Then after passing that, she had to dive and retrive a pen from the bottom of the pool. Again, the pants kept ballooning up restricting her dive. She had to retie a knot in the pants and she dove in again and again. She never gave up and finally succeeded after her 5th try. She must have been so tired. She never complained about the pajama or blamed anyone. She fought and Succeeded.

I thought that would be the end but then she had to show her turns. Freestyle and then somersault and push off from the wall. Butterfly to the wall, turn and two strokes back without coming up for air. She came to the wall but she could not make her turn. She kept on and on and in the end the tester saw her will to get it done and stopped her and started talking to her and asked her teacher to also come over and help her. All the other kids had passed and were getting their badges and certificates but Ilyana was still in the pool. It was by far the most stressful 7 minutes i have ever gone thru. But Ilyana did it. It was not as good as the other kids but she never stopped. The tester leaned down and gave her a high five and i started to breath again. She was my angel and i was so proud.

That day i learned that we have to plan, we have to be persistent and we have to fight to succeed.

But that night, i also had one more lesson but this time from my baby doll. When Ilyana and i got back to the apartment, Ilyana was so tired and needed attention. I was with Sahana and when Ilyana came out, she asked for my time and i obliged. What i did not realise was that Sahana felt cut off. Later i found Sahana in her room reading a book by herself and she had her angry and crying face on.

Her normal reaction would have been to throw a tantrum but my baby doll is growing up. She did not whine but when i entered the room, she roared at me and rushed to me. I did not know whether she was going to hug me or punch me. I held her and then she calmed and told me why she was upset. She took Action.

I realised then, Stop Whining and get in Action and ROAR like a 5yr old.

For my Angel,

you teach but you doubt

you inspire, and persevere

you succeed, never easily

You will be my direction

For my baby doll,

you Roar, you shine

you laugh, you are bright

You will make me Roar